"Lord please forgive me for my sinnin i aint sayin that im finish but im prayin in advance"
-J. Cole
Sometimes wen im a get a moment to myself where i can think i ask myself mutiple questions about myself to try to get a deeper feelin of who i am and what im about. Everyday i look up to the sky and ask myself are my grandparents lookin down on me or is there minds else where taken care of my other family's problems, and if they lookin down at me are they proud of me? i never believed in followin in somebody footprints because i dont wana be anybody but erik, anybody before me im sorry but i wana be better then ya'll, I wana pick up where the great's left off and continue the progress. but nobody likes to see you doin gud sumtimes not even family. its sad to say but true. My heart been real heavy bout everythang goin on. Losing my grandmother i blamed God for takin her from me, i continuely asked myself hopein i would be able to answer but never found an answer to the question "why is everybody tells you that someone who has passed away has gone to a better place but everybody prays and thanks god they were able to wake up another day?" So far i've come to the conclusion that nobody knows and its unexplainable. I kno she's happy though cuz she loved my grandfava wit all her heart n now they are reunited again. My cuzzin always tells me she jealous of how carefree i can be. Alot gets to me but i hold my composure fo rthe best and step up wen i need to. But everybody isnt like that, some people trip and fall and stay down at the sign of misfortune or they jus give up and im proud of my fam for not givin up but for pushing on in memory of her. Throughout all this mourning i've been going thru i needed someone to talk to someone to be here but i didn't hold my breath cuz i figured God wouldn't bless me cuz i was born in this world by myself and ill handle my shit by myself. I always wonder where im going to end up cuz im not always sure im destined for greatness i know im destined for sumthang but i cant figure out wat it is and i pray whatever it is im happy with it. I gotta prove im not a waste of skin, ive said it before and ima say it again im not tryin be successful, i jus wana be significant. catchin up wit my family was mad crazy cuz dey always ask me wat i been up too or what am i doin now but i hear everybody talkin bout wat this or that person doin but nobody knows bout me...makes me wonder y not wen my mother talks to these same people every here and there, is she ashmed of me or something. I normally even question myself like what are you doing wit urself. Im in skool, im working, but am i jus there cuz i kn oim supposed to be there or am i really there cuz i want something from it? I typically can never find a answer but i needa clear my brain and continue to look at the glass half full and find a way to fill it up, cuz only quitters are losers. as God as my witness im turning things around for you granny, as tears stream down my face every nite till i fall asleep and i reminence about u during the day remembering smiles you placed on my face that make me tear up today...damn its hard but i gotta push on cu zwen grandaddy passed you told me he loved me very much and was always proud of me. ITs funny cuz my mother sat and told me the same thing wen you passed, as i cried my eyes out. I really cant help but cry wen i think of you, though sometimes there tears of joy cuz of all the great memories i have of you both but also tears of pain cuz i know neither of you is here wit me now except in spirit but spirits cant hug me wen i need a hug or tell me what i need to hear. I really miss you guys but one day we'll all be reunited and i know wen i go my real niggas will live on for me n da fake niggas will carry shit the same way they do now outta sight outta mind. But ima stay on track and im not gon let anything take me off my path again, not money, clubs, girls, or a piece of pussy. I gotta stay focused and do my thing cuz wen we meet again i jus want you to smile and tell me you proud of me...thats all i ask from you two...love you granny & grandaddy
Baby BJ bka alleyboy e
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