While I'm watchin every nigga watchin me closely
my shit is butter for the bread they wanna toast me
I keep my head, both of them where they supposed to be
Hoes'll get you sidetracked then clap from closed feet
-Can I Live by Jay Z
I wish i could possibly write down exactly how i feel right now, i wish i could show you had bad it hurts. I've followed and tried to walk after you in pretty much aspect. I guess lik always i dont measure up too what you want me to be so u have no hope for me. Love clearly is blind, you cant really see the bad from a person until its pointed out to you. I try my best to be the best i can be but i know i fall short in a handful of things but its no reason to down me, or say i won't amount to much. In case you didnt know u did bring me to tears, as ashmed as i am to say it you did. I really cant understand people and how the human being works, probably never will =/. Unfortunatly when things get thick everythang else thats happens seems 100x's worse. But I told myself i'd keep looking at the glass hall full but now im thinkin ill look at the glass a quarter full. My mind is completely destroyed. Everythang i use to care about i don't care about anymore. I have hit a serious point of "who gives a fuck?" I hate that im here but i can't help but feel like that. Everybody always tells me you know i got your back E, or I'm here for you E. But I dont even listen when people say that too me. When people tell me they love me I typically dont reply cuz i dont feel like that many people truely love me. I feel as though they love who I am, or what i can do for them, or what i do for them. When people say i love you i kind of have make a "sure your right" face unintenally but its because i dont feel as though people know what that means. I actually prefer people to not say that to me. And if im not that close to you when you say it to me thats y i jus reply back "lol", but then again another reason y i dont believe in saying i love you, because jus because i make you laugh or cheer u up do you love me. People who are closer to me i have no problem asking them not to say that to me. I've truely stopped answering my fone today and yesterday. I accepted a few minor calls but that was only 3calls which where pretty important. Not speaking with people today actually made me feel better as my day went on. I try to keep my faith and not lose trust in the human race but i cant help but feel like "fuck ya'll." I've gotten alot of inspiration for my artwork since my mind isn't really focused on the things it should be. It kind of tickles me that the people who claim to know me, care about me, "love me" <----(LMMFAO) cant even see how dead i am inside. just because i'm breathing and walking doesnt mean im still alive inside. I really feel nuffin bout anythang I havent eaten but some mcdonalds today. I didnt smoke today either. I dont have the urge to do anythang. All my goals and aspirations have really become meaningless. I know this post is going to be followed by alot of "keep ya head up" response's and "i hop ethings get better for you" response's and etc. but im not tryin hear that. A couple post ago i asked God can i live, but i guess not because i still feel lik im at rockbottom again. The thing that's crazy is how long it took me to get "happy" and how fast it was torn down. Pompii was built in a matter of yrs but was destroyed in a few hours, correct? So its safe to say that somethings can ruin your life and theres nothing you can do about it. You try your best to avoid misfortunes but destiny is pretty much set in stone, and you cant cheat mother nature or death. But you can aid them in your downfall. Today while i sat @ the park stareing at my surroundings, i watched a brother and sister and their cuzzin play on the playground...dere lil smiles and happiness made me smile, it brought a tear again to me, as i watched their mothers pick them up and chase them around and watch the kids have fun. I cant understand how my life went from up there to down here...rockbottom. I can feel myself finding artistic inspiration every second. Today i started to draw a picture of a boy holding a gurl crying as they both sit on the floor. I took two pictures, one of a street where all the trees where changing colors and the street was empty and another of a puddle after a raindrop hit it. Pictures make me smile, i love to see beautiful things or happiness. Seeing those things gives me my second wind in life. IT keep sme from jumpin off the edge. the craziest thing is how my smile can fool you so easily. I'm not sure if i lost faith in the human race, if i did it wasnt intentional but what can i say shit happens i guess. I jus got an idea that i had to put to paper before i couldnt picture it anymore. This post is taking way longer than expected maybe because im focusing on so much different shit rite now, multitasking i guess. Today i went to see one of my friends and update him on current problems. After talking to him and telling him what happen and all the details of my downs he was brought to tears and tried to raise my spirits, although i consider him one of my bestfriends i jus didnt believe anythang he said. Its hard for me to accept a compliament, im pretty use to hearing people complain about this and that about me, people do that a lot and im not surprised, but then those same people who down me for who im not they try to build me up...
Come on G...Dont gas me up, I like driving on E...
Right now i think my artwork is gon be pumping out like lil wayne mixtapes, just not alot of the same shit. I always need inspiration to be artistic, but i never feel the need to actually be artistic until im in a bad mood. Im sure some people gon b offended by this post and i know ima see alot more "o so what you dont fuck wit me no more" text's. Crazy huh. Im kinda glad my fone doesnt ring alot anymore, i dont lik a lot of activity on my fone, texts are cool but phone calls and picture msgs n shit i cant deal with and irratate me. Idk y though...but i typed more then enuff. You know i sumtimes feel lik i shuldnt open up lik this in public but i still post im not a perosn who opens up to people im pretty secret about myself. I dont lik people really knowin to much about me, i dont let people read the things in my fone, i dont let people look at my fone, i dont tell people whats going on, if u dont read my blog den u dont know probably. but mayb tommorow will be a better day?
-Aye E
