Dear God

Dear God,

I know we don't talk alot until i go to sleep to pray for them and wish them luck and happiness but thats it. With all thats going on in my life i feel the need to publicly talk to you. Really i thank you i can tell k-rock gettin better slowly but surely and i really appreciate that. But this is from me too you...I know you prolly get upset with me because of how i view you or what my personal feelings are towards you..but u kno i love u and i try my best at my life...I try not to judge, i try to be courteous, i try not to be one sided with things, and i i try to giv mercy on people mistakes against me n my family(blood and not blood). I watch as you bless my cuzzin with her music skills which get better everytime she picks up a pen and writes, I watch as you raise my beautiful niece, i watch as you give my mother anotha shot, I watch as you watch over all my friends who are hurt, sick or in bad positions. And i know all my dead manz is watching over me...RIP Q, Dre, Looch, Phil, BJ, J-Hov, Ramone, Jazzy, Song, and furman Brown. I kno yall are watching over me and guideing me...I love every single last one of yall and i miss yall more and more everyday and when we are reunited again we gon be all wild and crazy...God i kno you have a path for me but with who i am you know i dont like to follow in peoples footsteps i wana make my own path with my own two feet. I lik to do things my way cuz i always figure i'll learn best from my own mistakes. I try to please all the people who matter to me, shit and sometimes people who i dont even know or sumtimes people dat did me wrong wen i needed them. U always hear me ask you y things happen to me, of course you never answer me but they jus tell me what dont kill you makes you stronger and pain is when weakness leaves the body but why is every's next response "there's always someone else who has it way worse"? So why do i giv a fuck about someone else??? Dey have nuttin to do with me and whats going on with me...If your in a restuarant do you care if the person in the table next to is eating the same thing as you??? no cuz u dont giv a fuck cuz ur eating the food to so whats if matta??? So if not what does this other person matta to me??? Whether you got big problems lil problems u got problems but some problems take more of a toll on you then others...When u lose your favorite shirt or your friend is killed over a couple fuckin dollars??? which one gon hurt you more??? if you smack one of your hands and put your hand in a fire...which hand gon hurt more??? even though everyone gon hurt people hurt differently...dont place limitations on how hurt i should be...And for every1 i hurt, God you kno who those people are, im sorry real talk...even to those of you i still carry our relationships differently im sorry. People always want me to change God??? You of anybody knows that i change for myself and not because some1 says you shuld...Since people are not me they know nothing of what i battle with inside myself everyday...all the bad memories i hav to try and forgive people for, all the bullshit people feed me everyday, the deaths and people that leave me when i need em, etc. I try to forgive, i try to watch what i say, i try to make others happy, i try to be a leaning shoulder for anybody i know or meet...I put ova people before me all da time...dere's mayb a good handful of people id die for...people always want you to change for the better so they tell you how you should talk, or how you should act, or how you should rasie your kids, or how to drive your car to your desitnation, or what to put on your body, or how to look, or how much your worth an hr., or how much your items are good for...When people ask me what i think of them i dont tell them you should change this or that you shuld do shit this way or nuttin like dat i try my best to say look what you do is fine but think about this or this or this as a alternative or mayb its not even that you should change it mayb you should give it anotha chance or jus decide for yourself does what you do put a smile on your face??? God when you created the earth did you have someone coaching you the whole way??? naw you did it your way u made people how u wanted to make em you made animals how u wanted to make em...you did what you felt worked for you...y is it people aim to please ours??? I do it all the time n idky...Sometimes i get up and think man idc what you say but im the man but other days i wake up and say man i hate myself i cant stand this or that, naw moe forget that im pleasing myself, doing what makes me happy and what i feel is right. God i know you may not argee with what i do but you'll show me jus lik you'vedone in every sticky situation i've gotten myself into...But through all that i made decesions for myself and got myself towhere i am today...I gave myself that internal drive to be thirsty for the things i need and want...I MADE THOUSE DECESIONS TO WORK HARD FOR MONEY AND GET PROMOTED, I WORKED HARD AT BEING A FRIEND TO EVERYONE, I TRY TO ACCEPT PEOPLE FLAWS AND ALL...but y cant people accept me with my flaws, naw they gotta force me to change shit right away at there convience instead of when im ready to...God i know you taught our grandparents and great grandparents to tell us mind your own business and stop being a tatal tale. when i handle my own i get further with none of these people help only a few people really been here from the jump...people tell me a changed yea so what nigga im 19 im in school with a 3.0 GPA, im a manager at a Spencers makein money i work 40 hrs a week most weeks and go to school in the morning, I dont ask my mother for money cuz i kno she dont got dat gwap and that i work to get my own...Shoot i give back to so many people Aye E i need a ride here but i aint got no bread, Aye E i need a couple dollars, aye E i need advice...kill if yall want me to change so much y you askin me for my advice??? Real talk for those of you who never really come to me with a problem despite whether im mad at you or happy with you, been through what you going thru or havent ima keep it 100 with you and say everythang i feel and fareal fareal 8/10 ima give you some damn good advice when people actually follow my advice it goes well alot of the time but people make mistakes so you live and you learn...I try not to ask for advice from others cuz im to set on finding my own path but i always find myself askin two people for guidance beside you God...I am who i am i cruse, i act up, i wild out, i sin, i have an attitude, i have a temper(as my cuzzin calls the brown family temper...cuz im a true brown at heart cuz that was my original name), i cause trouble...So what give me a break i also do alot of good for people and God as my witness I'm done caring what people think bout me or say bout me, Im donig things my way and doing for myself to be ok for others, if you can get wit it or get lost...God all i ask is you protect those i love and let my fallen angels watch me and enjoy this movie i call i life...With all love your son Erik,

Amen

P.s.-God do you see my halo???